Hedgehogs and High Notes

 

As I walked through the parking lot feeling fairly relaxed because I’d arrived early, I tried to soak in all the lovely geometric designs around me. It seems that every time I’ve been to the Mesa Arts Center its been on a mission of some sort and I never get the chance to truly appreciate the beautiful architecture of the place.

This time was no different. While I just wanted to walk around the grounds and admire the views, I was forced to multi-task again. Walk, look and go over the lines of my, not all too well memorized, monolgue. I focused just enough to figure out which shapes to follow to get to the second floor suite to meet my appraisers. Meeting another stranger in the elevator who seemed to be suffering from the same dilema based on the puzzled look on her face. We exchanged an uncomforable quip followed by nervous giggles. At least the elevator had the traditional numbers on it so knowing which button to push was a no brainer. Although I did feel like a complete idiot when I got off, she stayed on, I walked to my right, saw a dead end, and quickly turned around to walk past her still open elevator door. Baffoon move nubmer 1.

I continued through a door where I saw a woman sitting on the floor a short distance away who saw me coming and hollered a quick boisterous greeting to me. “Are you so and so?” I don’t remember the name except it wasn’t mine. “No, I’m Sonia” I smiled in reply. “I’m a little early though.” Hoping this would soften the blow of her dissapointment of not guessing correctly. She quickly began to bubbly explain to me  how she’d been told to look for so and so which is why she though I might be her. While she continued to chatter, I noticed a tiny colorful, domelike bag next to where she was sitting. “Do we have someone with us today?” I asked cheerful pointing to it. She joyfully began to explain that indeed there was a little live something in there. “A hedgehog!” She chirped. She went on to explain that it had been her last day of substitue teaching a class and she’d promised to bring in a surprise today and Hedgehog was it. During this exchange she’d also managed to hand me a clipboard with some paperwork for me to fill out for the audition. I responded with interest while I filled out the forms. Thankfully being the multi tasker I am this didn’t prove too difficult and quickly put me at ease. Usually, at auditions I find a room full of quiet, nervous people with one person sitting at a table, gloomilyy shoving forms to actors as they walk in the door and collecting headshots and resumes. This always leads me to feel that I too should stay anxious and quiet while going over my songs and lines. This happiness was a welcome change of pace.

I was barely finished with my forms when I was ushered into the audition room by another quite buoyant woman who explained I didn’t need to bother filling out the last portion. She introduced herself as the director of the project. As we walked into the room, she quickly introduced me to the music director and explained, “He’ll get you first”. Again this through me off, as I’m used to giving my music to the accompanist, giving him a few notes about tempo and then going into my monolgue while he  has a minute to look over the music. I like to get the hard part out of the way and save the fun for last.

Alas, I dove into singing and revelled in every note wishing I could go on and on. My eyes getting watery as I finished my Disney ballad. Yes, I’m a sap and singing about when will my reflection show who I am inside…well lets just say these days, I wonder, will it EVER? I quickly flipped the switch and turned on the corny and belty me and 16 bars later everyone in the room, and the people outside too probably, knew I was in love with a wonderful guy. Then the music director asked me to go through some scales. As I reached for the high end of the scale I could feel the regret in my throat of not having warmed up. Baffoon move number 2.

“If you have a monologue memorized we’d love to hear it” the director announced.

“So would I!” I kidded in response. Remember that phrase, many a truth is said in jest? Insert uncomfortable laugh here. ‘Chyea. Luckily, they laughed too. I took a deep breath and lunged into my diatribe. With stomping feet and indignation I played the 6 year old I imagined and when I was done at least the director and music director were laughing. The director started explaining something about other people to audition next week and when they’d call for callbacks but at this point everything was a haze and I was just glad I was done and wanted to make my escape. The music director stopped me and asked if I had another copy of my resume with me. Crap! I thought. Do I?! I remembered trying to decide in the car if I wanted to bother bringing my extra copy but I couldn’t remember if I had or not. I rifled through my bag trying not to seem to flustered or unorganized but I doubt I pulled it off. I’m sure I didn’t hide the surprised relief on my face when I found it and then offered him a second headshot as well, while floundering an apology for them not being attached to each other.  I said my quick thank you’s, shook their hands and got outta there.

Not gonna lie though. As I walked towards my car, the air smelled a little sweeter and the sun seemed to shine a little brighter. Even if nothing else came out of it. I’d actually had fun. Plus, IT WAS OVER! I felt pretty damned good right then.

Huh, go figure.

Mrs. Perfect and Mrs. So, So

Perhaps its the split personality juggle between working a real job and preparing for auditions that makes the whole process so exhausting. Especially for a perfectionist like me. This is what I found myself thinking this morning as I was picking out something to wear to work and something to wear for my audition after work. Two tops, two pairs of pants, dance shoes, practical pumps. Two…just plain too much.

As I sat around the piano last night plucking out melody lines of 16 bars of some songs in my repertoire I said at one point, “Never mind. I give up. I’m not gonna do it.” Kinda reminds me of those last few minutes of labor when you’ve been in pain for hours and just want it to be over but don’t feel like you have the energy to go the last mile. The multi tasker in me just doesn’t want to focus and finish. Especially when it gets hard. Therefore, the obvious disadvantage for me is finishing what I start. Hell, half of the time I’m not even sure what I start is what I want. Then all the doubt starts to creep in and inevitably the battle ensues between finishing or is this really worth all the trouble. All the clichés start bouncing around in my head. No pain no gain. Nothing worth having comes easy, blah, blah. Bottom line is that sometimes it does seem a helluva lot easier to find lots of reasons and excuses for not doing something. Comfort zones, having dishes to do or wanting to just get a little more sleep. Whatever the reasons may be, anything in my mind can make them seem more appealing than actually working for something.

Perhaps if I COULD focus? Just on one thing. To just spend my days, picking out audition outfits, going to dance classes, singing at the piano for hours at a time. Alas, I have to pick and choose carefully. I have to include,  finishing spreadsheets by deadlines, responding to emails,  picking up my daughter from soccer practice.  Lots to juggle when you live two lives, in a manner of speaking.

The always underlying wants seem to take turns like a carousel in my mind. I want to sing, I want to watch a soccer game, I want to dance, I want to go out to dinner with my husband, I want to laugh backstage, I want to watch a movie at home with my family.

When did I become so lazy? I mean it really just comes down to making the time to plan things in advance a little. I’ve become so complacent and seemingly more of a procrastinator than I already was. Then I find myself here. Feeling like I don’t have enough time to do things right or to even know what the right thing to do is.

So once again, I jump in headfirst, not completely prepared but at least I can hold my nose and swim for a little bit. Let’s see where I pop up above water this time.

The story of one woman-Part I

All she wanted to do was relax and talk to her friendly neighbors on the stoop after a long day. It was hot and sticky upstairs in her apartment. She’d put the girls to bed but it was still too unbearably hot to go to sleep herself. Sitting on the stoop was a slight, albeit still steaming, relief from the stagnant, sticky air indoors. Instead she found herself once again listening to her husband explain in graphic detail what her brains would look like splattered against a wall after he blew them out with his hunting rifle if she tried to run away with their daughter. All she wanted to do was make him understand that the last thing she wanted to do was come between him and his daughter. She wanted him to understand that she still loved him. That just because she was tired of the yelling and the fights and not being able to have friends over that didn’t agree with everything he thought and did, and had finally moved out, that it didn’t mean she’d tell his daughter all the awful, hateful things he said. That she still wanted to protect their daughter from the ugly threats against the woman he’d claimed to love and had given birth to his daughter. After all, half of the blood coursing through that little girl’s body was his.
She stood outside the driver side window of his van as he spoke from the driver’s seat, just loud enough for her to hear, but not the neighbors sitting just a few yards away on the stoop wondering why she was taking so long. Inside she was frozen with fear. Wondering why she couldn’t step away from him and just make it all stop. She wondered if there was any part of him that remembered how much he loved her. The times he’d promised to take care of her at any cost. The times he’d held her in his arms and promised to protect her from everything and everyone. She wondered what she could say to remind him. At the same time she wondered what would happen to her children if he followed through on his threats.
It seemed that no matter how pretty she tried to make herself, or how much she played with the children or how many times she’d had dinner on the table by 5 o’clock that it hadn’t been enough. It still happened. The disagreements, the jealously, the accusations of not being good enough because every last bit of laundry hadn’t been folded and put away. She’d seen the writing on the wall, or better yet the holes that’d been made by his fists in the wall. She had finally been frightened enough to think someday he’d miss the wall or the coffee table and it’d be her, broken into pieces on the living room floor. Worse yet, maybe her children’s innocent little bodies could end up being his victims. They had no choice but the choices she made. So she finally, and not for the first time, decided to leave.

Now the threats were getting worse. By the time he finally stopped talking and drove away she was back at that vulnerable place where she felt worthy of nothing. Worthy of no one. No love, no friends, no support no nothing. Questioning her ability to be a good mother and a person worthy of caring anything about. Was she healthy enough? Was she smart enough? Could she love enough? She quickly recounted to her new friends the conversation shared with her husband and quickly received enough support to remind her why she’d left. For hope. The hope that with the strength that others would share with her would be enough to do what was best for her children. Little did she know it wasn’t over yet. She hadn’t completely escaped him yet.

Isn’t She Lovely?

So most of my life there’s been a lot of focus on how I look. My mom always wanted us to make sure to look our best whether it was for church or the supermarket. I started doing theater in High School and that’s alot, understatement, about how you look and present yourself.

 

The U.S. is pretty focused on this as well. I can only speak for the U.S. since that’s where I live. Other places in the world might be as well but I’ll stick to my side of the pond for now. The Emmy’s were held recent and there’s plenty of post Emmy recaps. People have been  talking about who wore what and if they wore it or it wore them. I’ve heard a lot of advice to those people on what to do better next time to look better. Alot of it has been pretty brutal.

 

Here in Phoenix we just had our own local theater awards Monday night called the Zonis. What dress, shoes and jewlery to wear were probably the big concern for some and me as well. Lots of beautiful people trying to look their best for each other. Either for their dates or for networking purposes.

 

So as I was doing my makeup this morning I thought, what if Ispent as much time looking at an internal mirror as I do to the external mirror in the bathroom.

A different makeup checklist could go like this.

 

Foundation-Did I get a good night’s rest? Did I take a minute last night or this morning to ground myself and do something just for me?

Blush – Am I ready to put aside my own probelms for a minute and smile anyway when someone says something to me that might not be exactly what I want to hear today?

Eyeshadow – Can I try and see the good in people today instead of pointing out and ridiculing what’s “wrong” with them?

Lipstick – Can I respond positively to someone today instead of snidely? Even better maybe pay someone a compliment without expecting one in return?

Earrings – Can I try to really listen to someone today and not judge them? Just listen to them because they need someone to listen to, not fix, their problem?

And a check in the full length mirror – Can I find good in myself today too?

Sometimes I can be so hard on myself. As hard as I am on myself I can be just as judgemental of others sometimes. What I don’t like in myself can a lot of the time be what annoys me about others. I’m not saying I’m not going to keep trying to put my best face forward, I’m just saying I want to try and make sure I’m spending just as much time obessessing about what’s inside as what’s on the outside. Not too mention trying to see what’s inside others and not just their outsides. Maybe instead of saying, “You look pretty today” to someone I might be able to say, “I like how you listen to me” or “I love how you’re always their for me and I can depend on you”.  Not a simple autopilot thing for sure. I can’t expect it from others though if I don’t make sure to hold myself accountable to doing it myself now can I?

Autumn begins today

It does?? Where?? Because wherever that is, I’d like to be there. And no, being under 90 degrees here in Phoenix this morning doesn’t count.
Autumn’s been my favorite season since I was a kid. Or maybe it’s my favorite season because it reminds me of being a kid. in South Jersey. I loved autumn and the colors and the brisk cool air. The leaves crackling under your feet, the sooty air smell of fireplaces. Running around outside and it being cool enough to not get sweaty but needing to keep that little windbreaker or knit cap on to keep from getting too chilly.

I like being cold. A little. Not freezing mind you. I’m pretty over the heat of this summer. That’s one of the things I absolutely LOVED about my honeymoon. The cool pines of Flagstaff and looking forward to the evenings being cool and the mornings too.

I always end up feeling refreshed somehow too. Rejuvenated in a way. I’m finding myself still pretty run down from the last year of so much going on in my life that I was constantly trying to keep up with. I’m feeling older. I just want to relax and enjoy time passing by. At least for a little while.

I imagine myself taking a short walk through falling leaves, or sitting on one of those big swings on the porch of a cabin in the woods somewhere. Snuggling with my honey under one of those big Indian blankets. Just enjoying time together and not needing misters to keep cool. Having my senses gently caressed with peaceful breezes and sounds rustling of leaves a slight chill in the air. A place where my body can just be and feel without having to be at the ready for whatever the next emergency’s going to be. A road trip will definitely be needed soon.

Girl Uninterrupted

I sometimes wonder if vacations are just like having one of those bite sized candy bars. You start it and are just in utter heavenly bliss because it’s so incredibly wonderful…and next thing you know it’s over. It just leaves you saying, “Where’s the rest of it?”

Don’t get me wrong. I know there are plenty of people out there who can’t even afford the bite size. The economy…well, plain and simply stated…sucks. Lots of people are out of jobs and just getting the basics is a struggle. I AM grateful I have what I have and who I’m having it with. Really, I am.

Am I being greedy? Well, sure, a little bit. I AM human after all. It’s not like I’m 19 years old though with a sense of entitlement that the world should give me everything I want. I’ve worked and struggled a long and sometimes very hard life. So what if I want the whole candy bar. At this point in my life I DO deserve it.

Ok, I’m not asking to win the lottery and never have to work again, but how’s about doin’ it like the European’s do and taking a month “Holiday”? Eh, I’d probably just want a second candy bar.

Maybe I SHOULD play some numbers. What’s the Powerball up to today anyway?

Settling In

So I’m married and moved in…finally.

The wedding was wonderful. So fun I almost didn’t want to leave. Interestingly enough everything was such a blur the next day I couldn’t wait to see pictures just to try and remember what happened. I even went into the pocket of my new darling husband’s jacket to grab the piece of paper he’d written his vows on because I couldn’t remember anything past the first line.

I suppose some would like a wedding recap, some would rather not. I dunno that I can write much about it at this point. Seems like with every day that goes by all the memories become a little more hazy. Plus, lets face it, the main goal was to be married and be living in our new home together. That’s kinda the focus these days. Honestly though I think I’m just having a lazy day and don’t feel like talking about it again because it’s all most people wanted to talk about at work all week. Kinda over it and ready to move on…ya know? Besides, there are pictures out there for whoever wants to see them.

http://aaronandsonia.shutterfly.com/

I’s our first full, non-wedding, non honeymoon weekend together. Aaron’s been up since 7am prepping rooms for painting. Again, like I mentioned earlier, I feel lazy and could spend the whole day doing what I did yesterday, just veggin’ on the couch watching episodes of The Soprano’s. So I’m sitting here writing instead of offering to help. Especially since I know I’ll soon be drafted to help move furniture anyway.

I haven’t lived with anyone besides my children in quite some time. 12 years to be exact. It can be quite an adjustment. 2 different people used to doing/having things different ways. It’s all a matter of compromise I suppose. Letting go of the things that don’t really matter that much and making a stand for the things that do matter. Or at least that you think matter. I think we’re doing pretty well actually. Of course we ARE newlyweds and I’m just happy to be living in the same house with him and waking up with him beside me.

I’m not sure what I want to do next. We’ve been doing so much together for the last few months. Unlike most fiances, Aaron was instrumental and very involved in all the wedding planning. Now, we don’t have that common goal anymore and I’ll obviously have more time for personal pursuits again. One side of me just wants to sit around and chill with him at home. One part of me wants to find a terrific show to audition for and hopefully get cast in and get on that treadmill again. Another side of me wants to be available for my daughter’s Senior year of High School activities. Another side of me wants to try and find something new and different to take on. Multiple personalities much?

I guess I just need to rest and enjoy some down time before jumping into anything or deciding to commit myself to anything. After all, I’ve just made one of the biggest commitments a person can make. To be faithful and true to one person as long as I live. Perhaps I should just let whatever’s gonna happen, happen for a while. Relax. HA! That’s a hot one.  Let’s he how long THAT lasts.

The Heat Is On

Barely 3 weeks left till the big day! So many little things to do now and its go, go, go time.

Aaron and I are going to get our marriage license today!  Then my final fitting of my gown this afternoon. No, darling fiance’ will not be going along for that.

The favors my mom made arrived earlier this week and they were more than I possibly could’ve imagined. I even got on the phone with her while I opened the package and gave her the play by play of my excitement as I opened the package. I squealed and screamed with joy in sucha high voice I’m sure the neighborhood dogs were almost the only ones that could hear me. My mom just kept asking, “Do you like them? Do you really like them?” She even threw in some of the left over candy. Yummy.

So along with all the little things here and there that are the madness of wedding planning, a few happier than expected surprises have popped up. I’ve been overwhelmed by the genuine generosity of my friends and family. It’s been amazing to see people rising to the occassion before I even knew I needed them too. It’s truly heartwarming and endearing. Huh, imagine that.

Oh! It’s packing time too! I’ve got to try and spend as much time as I can packing and getting rid of crap I don’t need. This weekend especially. The big move into the house will be in a few weeks and honestly I want to have to take as little as possible. Let’s face it.  With my luck it’ll turn out to be 114 degrees that day  and our darling volunteers are not going to relish the idea of lugging stuff down the stairs at my apartment and back up the stairs at the house. I still say I should go with my idea of just tossin’ stuff down the stairs to their final destruction.

Well, off I go. Lots too do. Now where’d I put that sledgehammer?

Mommy loves me

My mom’s volunteered to make my wedding favors! Yay! We’d had to cut these due to budget restricitons. Now don’t get me wrong. I could barely care less about a lil thing that takes lots of time either picking or making  just to have guests toss them or give’em to their kids to play with till the delicate little things break. No, I was hoping to try and bring a little of my heritage to the table…so to speak. A traditional Spanish Bridal Favor. Now, I’m excited because my mom’s making these for me. My mom’s almost 2200 miles away and doesn’t even own a computer. So unfortunately she hasn’t really been able to be too involved in the wedding planning. As she told me about her and Daddy sittin’ at their dinning room table laughing and making all these little trinkets for me it just made me happy to hear that  my Mom and Dad had a little more joy in their day because they were doing something for me all because I fell in love with a great guy…finally. Yeah, my Mommy loves me.

What is there besides the volcano?

When I was younger I’m not sure I really understood what I wanted. I believe I was more focused on what I knew I didn’t want. Many of us have had childhood’s that weren’t exactly what we wanted. For one reason or another, with circumstances we could not control it might not have been exactly what we’d wished it’d been.

I’m no exception to that. With that being said, I’m not the only one either. I can’t write about everyone else’s experiences though so I’ll take a look at mine.

It took a while to accept that I was never going to have the childhood I’d felt I’d been entitled to. Long before I’d accepted that however, I knew what I didn’t want. I didn’t want more of the same. Whether it was for me or my children I had a pretty clear picture of what I didn’t want. If anything, perhaps I was so focused on what I didn’t want for so long that I never had the time to think about what I did want. You may be wondering “How couldn’t you know what you wanted if you knew what you didn’t want?” Sounds like it’d be easy enough to see the other side of the coin and just choose that, right? I guess that’s what I thought too. I thought I simply wanted the opposite of what I’d had, or not had.  The funny thing is that there’s this whole enormous area in between opposites.

For instance, say I find a genie in a bottle while I’m freezing to death at the top of a snow covered mountain. I know I don’t want to be there. The genie asks me where I’d rather be. Being inside a hot, lava filled volcano would not be the ideal place to wish myself to instead. So I need to find the “happy medium” as some might call it. I would need to think of a good balance between too hot or too cold. Let’s add to this dilemma, that I only know of the existence of the mountain top or the volcano. There are probably thousands and thousands of other choices, how do I decide? I don’t know what they’re like because I’ve never been there before. I’d have to go and explore them. I’d have to go and experience them. Even then, how would I know that once I found what I thought might be the ideal place for temperature comfort that there might not be another place that’s better? See where I’m going here?

I’ve spent a lot of my life trying to take on the adventure of trying different things and places to know what I want. Do I know for sure what I want now? I’m not arrogant enough to think that I do. Do I have a better idea now than when I started this journey? I DO feel confident that to some extent I have a better understanding now than I did 20 years ago. So do I stop looking? For some things, yes, I’ll stop looking. Otherwise I’d never have anything or anyone in my life. For some other things though I’ll be happy to keep looking. Perhaps I won’t do it with quite the same abandon I did when I was 17 years old. Then again on second hand…why not?

Photo by Aaron Wood