Perhaps its the split personality juggle between working a real job and preparing for auditions that makes the whole process so exhausting. Especially for a perfectionist like me. This is what I found myself thinking this morning as I was picking out something to wear to work and something to wear for my audition after work. Two tops, two pairs of pants, dance shoes, practical pumps. Two…just plain too much.
As I sat around the piano last night plucking out melody lines of 16 bars of some songs in my repertoire I said at one point, “Never mind. I give up. I’m not gonna do it.” Kinda reminds me of those last few minutes of labor when you’ve been in pain for hours and just want it to be over but don’t feel like you have the energy to go the last mile. The multi tasker in me just doesn’t want to focus and finish. Especially when it gets hard. Therefore, the obvious disadvantage for me is finishing what I start. Hell, half of the time I’m not even sure what I start is what I want. Then all the doubt starts to creep in and inevitably the battle ensues between finishing or is this really worth all the trouble. All the clichés start bouncing around in my head. No pain no gain. Nothing worth having comes easy, blah, blah. Bottom line is that sometimes it does seem a helluva lot easier to find lots of reasons and excuses for not doing something. Comfort zones, having dishes to do or wanting to just get a little more sleep. Whatever the reasons may be, anything in my mind can make them seem more appealing than actually working for something.
Perhaps if I COULD focus? Just on one thing. To just spend my days, picking out audition outfits, going to dance classes, singing at the piano for hours at a time. Alas, I have to pick and choose carefully. I have to include, finishing spreadsheets by deadlines, responding to emails, picking up my daughter from soccer practice. Lots to juggle when you live two lives, in a manner of speaking.
The always underlying wants seem to take turns like a carousel in my mind. I want to sing, I want to watch a soccer game, I want to dance, I want to go out to dinner with my husband, I want to laugh backstage, I want to watch a movie at home with my family.
When did I become so lazy? I mean it really just comes down to making the time to plan things in advance a little. I’ve become so complacent and seemingly more of a procrastinator than I already was. Then I find myself here. Feeling like I don’t have enough time to do things right or to even know what the right thing to do is.
So once again, I jump in headfirst, not completely prepared but at least I can hold my nose and swim for a little bit. Let’s see where I pop up above water this time.






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