Mrs. Perfect and Mrs. So, So

Perhaps its the split personality juggle between working a real job and preparing for auditions that makes the whole process so exhausting. Especially for a perfectionist like me. This is what I found myself thinking this morning as I was picking out something to wear to work and something to wear for my audition after work. Two tops, two pairs of pants, dance shoes, practical pumps. Two…just plain too much.

As I sat around the piano last night plucking out melody lines of 16 bars of some songs in my repertoire I said at one point, “Never mind. I give up. I’m not gonna do it.” Kinda reminds me of those last few minutes of labor when you’ve been in pain for hours and just want it to be over but don’t feel like you have the energy to go the last mile. The multi tasker in me just doesn’t want to focus and finish. Especially when it gets hard. Therefore, the obvious disadvantage for me is finishing what I start. Hell, half of the time I’m not even sure what I start is what I want. Then all the doubt starts to creep in and inevitably the battle ensues between finishing or is this really worth all the trouble. All the clichés start bouncing around in my head. No pain no gain. Nothing worth having comes easy, blah, blah. Bottom line is that sometimes it does seem a helluva lot easier to find lots of reasons and excuses for not doing something. Comfort zones, having dishes to do or wanting to just get a little more sleep. Whatever the reasons may be, anything in my mind can make them seem more appealing than actually working for something.

Perhaps if I COULD focus? Just on one thing. To just spend my days, picking out audition outfits, going to dance classes, singing at the piano for hours at a time. Alas, I have to pick and choose carefully. I have to include,  finishing spreadsheets by deadlines, responding to emails,  picking up my daughter from soccer practice.  Lots to juggle when you live two lives, in a manner of speaking.

The always underlying wants seem to take turns like a carousel in my mind. I want to sing, I want to watch a soccer game, I want to dance, I want to go out to dinner with my husband, I want to laugh backstage, I want to watch a movie at home with my family.

When did I become so lazy? I mean it really just comes down to making the time to plan things in advance a little. I’ve become so complacent and seemingly more of a procrastinator than I already was. Then I find myself here. Feeling like I don’t have enough time to do things right or to even know what the right thing to do is.

So once again, I jump in headfirst, not completely prepared but at least I can hold my nose and swim for a little bit. Let’s see where I pop up above water this time.

The story of one woman-Part I

All she wanted to do was relax and talk to her friendly neighbors on the stoop after a long day. It was hot and sticky upstairs in her apartment. She’d put the girls to bed but it was still too unbearably hot to go to sleep herself. Sitting on the stoop was a slight, albeit still steaming, relief from the stagnant, sticky air indoors. Instead she found herself once again listening to her husband explain in graphic detail what her brains would look like splattered against a wall after he blew them out with his hunting rifle if she tried to run away with their daughter. All she wanted to do was make him understand that the last thing she wanted to do was come between him and his daughter. She wanted him to understand that she still loved him. That just because she was tired of the yelling and the fights and not being able to have friends over that didn’t agree with everything he thought and did, and had finally moved out, that it didn’t mean she’d tell his daughter all the awful, hateful things he said. That she still wanted to protect their daughter from the ugly threats against the woman he’d claimed to love and had given birth to his daughter. After all, half of the blood coursing through that little girl’s body was his.
She stood outside the driver side window of his van as he spoke from the driver’s seat, just loud enough for her to hear, but not the neighbors sitting just a few yards away on the stoop wondering why she was taking so long. Inside she was frozen with fear. Wondering why she couldn’t step away from him and just make it all stop. She wondered if there was any part of him that remembered how much he loved her. The times he’d promised to take care of her at any cost. The times he’d held her in his arms and promised to protect her from everything and everyone. She wondered what she could say to remind him. At the same time she wondered what would happen to her children if he followed through on his threats.
It seemed that no matter how pretty she tried to make herself, or how much she played with the children or how many times she’d had dinner on the table by 5 o’clock that it hadn’t been enough. It still happened. The disagreements, the jealously, the accusations of not being good enough because every last bit of laundry hadn’t been folded and put away. She’d seen the writing on the wall, or better yet the holes that’d been made by his fists in the wall. She had finally been frightened enough to think someday he’d miss the wall or the coffee table and it’d be her, broken into pieces on the living room floor. Worse yet, maybe her children’s innocent little bodies could end up being his victims. They had no choice but the choices she made. So she finally, and not for the first time, decided to leave.

Now the threats were getting worse. By the time he finally stopped talking and drove away she was back at that vulnerable place where she felt worthy of nothing. Worthy of no one. No love, no friends, no support no nothing. Questioning her ability to be a good mother and a person worthy of caring anything about. Was she healthy enough? Was she smart enough? Could she love enough? She quickly recounted to her new friends the conversation shared with her husband and quickly received enough support to remind her why she’d left. For hope. The hope that with the strength that others would share with her would be enough to do what was best for her children. Little did she know it wasn’t over yet. She hadn’t completely escaped him yet.

Isn’t She Lovely?

So most of my life there’s been a lot of focus on how I look. My mom always wanted us to make sure to look our best whether it was for church or the supermarket. I started doing theater in High School and that’s alot, understatement, about how you look and present yourself.

 

The U.S. is pretty focused on this as well. I can only speak for the U.S. since that’s where I live. Other places in the world might be as well but I’ll stick to my side of the pond for now. The Emmy’s were held recent and there’s plenty of post Emmy recaps. People have been  talking about who wore what and if they wore it or it wore them. I’ve heard a lot of advice to those people on what to do better next time to look better. Alot of it has been pretty brutal.

 

Here in Phoenix we just had our own local theater awards Monday night called the Zonis. What dress, shoes and jewlery to wear were probably the big concern for some and me as well. Lots of beautiful people trying to look their best for each other. Either for their dates or for networking purposes.

 

So as I was doing my makeup this morning I thought, what if Ispent as much time looking at an internal mirror as I do to the external mirror in the bathroom.

A different makeup checklist could go like this.

 

Foundation-Did I get a good night’s rest? Did I take a minute last night or this morning to ground myself and do something just for me?

Blush – Am I ready to put aside my own probelms for a minute and smile anyway when someone says something to me that might not be exactly what I want to hear today?

Eyeshadow – Can I try and see the good in people today instead of pointing out and ridiculing what’s “wrong” with them?

Lipstick – Can I respond positively to someone today instead of snidely? Even better maybe pay someone a compliment without expecting one in return?

Earrings – Can I try to really listen to someone today and not judge them? Just listen to them because they need someone to listen to, not fix, their problem?

And a check in the full length mirror – Can I find good in myself today too?

Sometimes I can be so hard on myself. As hard as I am on myself I can be just as judgemental of others sometimes. What I don’t like in myself can a lot of the time be what annoys me about others. I’m not saying I’m not going to keep trying to put my best face forward, I’m just saying I want to try and make sure I’m spending just as much time obessessing about what’s inside as what’s on the outside. Not too mention trying to see what’s inside others and not just their outsides. Maybe instead of saying, “You look pretty today” to someone I might be able to say, “I like how you listen to me” or “I love how you’re always their for me and I can depend on you”.  Not a simple autopilot thing for sure. I can’t expect it from others though if I don’t make sure to hold myself accountable to doing it myself now can I?

Autumn begins today

It does?? Where?? Because wherever that is, I’d like to be there. And no, being under 90 degrees here in Phoenix this morning doesn’t count.
Autumn’s been my favorite season since I was a kid. Or maybe it’s my favorite season because it reminds me of being a kid. in South Jersey. I loved autumn and the colors and the brisk cool air. The leaves crackling under your feet, the sooty air smell of fireplaces. Running around outside and it being cool enough to not get sweaty but needing to keep that little windbreaker or knit cap on to keep from getting too chilly.

I like being cold. A little. Not freezing mind you. I’m pretty over the heat of this summer. That’s one of the things I absolutely LOVED about my honeymoon. The cool pines of Flagstaff and looking forward to the evenings being cool and the mornings too.

I always end up feeling refreshed somehow too. Rejuvenated in a way. I’m finding myself still pretty run down from the last year of so much going on in my life that I was constantly trying to keep up with. I’m feeling older. I just want to relax and enjoy time passing by. At least for a little while.

I imagine myself taking a short walk through falling leaves, or sitting on one of those big swings on the porch of a cabin in the woods somewhere. Snuggling with my honey under one of those big Indian blankets. Just enjoying time together and not needing misters to keep cool. Having my senses gently caressed with peaceful breezes and sounds rustling of leaves a slight chill in the air. A place where my body can just be and feel without having to be at the ready for whatever the next emergency’s going to be. A road trip will definitely be needed soon.

Girl Uninterrupted

I sometimes wonder if vacations are just like having one of those bite sized candy bars. You start it and are just in utter heavenly bliss because it’s so incredibly wonderful…and next thing you know it’s over. It just leaves you saying, “Where’s the rest of it?”

Don’t get me wrong. I know there are plenty of people out there who can’t even afford the bite size. The economy…well, plain and simply stated…sucks. Lots of people are out of jobs and just getting the basics is a struggle. I AM grateful I have what I have and who I’m having it with. Really, I am.

Am I being greedy? Well, sure, a little bit. I AM human after all. It’s not like I’m 19 years old though with a sense of entitlement that the world should give me everything I want. I’ve worked and struggled a long and sometimes very hard life. So what if I want the whole candy bar. At this point in my life I DO deserve it.

Ok, I’m not asking to win the lottery and never have to work again, but how’s about doin’ it like the European’s do and taking a month “Holiday”? Eh, I’d probably just want a second candy bar.

Maybe I SHOULD play some numbers. What’s the Powerball up to today anyway?

Settling In

So I’m married and moved in…finally.

The wedding was wonderful. So fun I almost didn’t want to leave. Interestingly enough everything was such a blur the next day I couldn’t wait to see pictures just to try and remember what happened. I even went into the pocket of my new darling husband’s jacket to grab the piece of paper he’d written his vows on because I couldn’t remember anything past the first line.

I suppose some would like a wedding recap, some would rather not. I dunno that I can write much about it at this point. Seems like with every day that goes by all the memories become a little more hazy. Plus, lets face it, the main goal was to be married and be living in our new home together. That’s kinda the focus these days. Honestly though I think I’m just having a lazy day and don’t feel like talking about it again because it’s all most people wanted to talk about at work all week. Kinda over it and ready to move on…ya know? Besides, there are pictures out there for whoever wants to see them.

http://aaronandsonia.shutterfly.com/

I’s our first full, non-wedding, non honeymoon weekend together. Aaron’s been up since 7am prepping rooms for painting. Again, like I mentioned earlier, I feel lazy and could spend the whole day doing what I did yesterday, just veggin’ on the couch watching episodes of The Soprano’s. So I’m sitting here writing instead of offering to help. Especially since I know I’ll soon be drafted to help move furniture anyway.

I haven’t lived with anyone besides my children in quite some time. 12 years to be exact. It can be quite an adjustment. 2 different people used to doing/having things different ways. It’s all a matter of compromise I suppose. Letting go of the things that don’t really matter that much and making a stand for the things that do matter. Or at least that you think matter. I think we’re doing pretty well actually. Of course we ARE newlyweds and I’m just happy to be living in the same house with him and waking up with him beside me.

I’m not sure what I want to do next. We’ve been doing so much together for the last few months. Unlike most fiances, Aaron was instrumental and very involved in all the wedding planning. Now, we don’t have that common goal anymore and I’ll obviously have more time for personal pursuits again. One side of me just wants to sit around and chill with him at home. One part of me wants to find a terrific show to audition for and hopefully get cast in and get on that treadmill again. Another side of me wants to be available for my daughter’s Senior year of High School activities. Another side of me wants to try and find something new and different to take on. Multiple personalities much?

I guess I just need to rest and enjoy some down time before jumping into anything or deciding to commit myself to anything. After all, I’ve just made one of the biggest commitments a person can make. To be faithful and true to one person as long as I live. Perhaps I should just let whatever’s gonna happen, happen for a while. Relax. HA! That’s a hot one.  Let’s he how long THAT lasts.

The Heat Is On

Barely 3 weeks left till the big day! So many little things to do now and its go, go, go time.

Aaron and I are going to get our marriage license today!  Then my final fitting of my gown this afternoon. No, darling fiance’ will not be going along for that.

The favors my mom made arrived earlier this week and they were more than I possibly could’ve imagined. I even got on the phone with her while I opened the package and gave her the play by play of my excitement as I opened the package. I squealed and screamed with joy in sucha high voice I’m sure the neighborhood dogs were almost the only ones that could hear me. My mom just kept asking, “Do you like them? Do you really like them?” She even threw in some of the left over candy. Yummy.

So along with all the little things here and there that are the madness of wedding planning, a few happier than expected surprises have popped up. I’ve been overwhelmed by the genuine generosity of my friends and family. It’s been amazing to see people rising to the occassion before I even knew I needed them too. It’s truly heartwarming and endearing. Huh, imagine that.

Oh! It’s packing time too! I’ve got to try and spend as much time as I can packing and getting rid of crap I don’t need. This weekend especially. The big move into the house will be in a few weeks and honestly I want to have to take as little as possible. Let’s face it.  With my luck it’ll turn out to be 114 degrees that day  and our darling volunteers are not going to relish the idea of lugging stuff down the stairs at my apartment and back up the stairs at the house. I still say I should go with my idea of just tossin’ stuff down the stairs to their final destruction.

Well, off I go. Lots too do. Now where’d I put that sledgehammer?

Mommy loves me

My mom’s volunteered to make my wedding favors! Yay! We’d had to cut these due to budget restricitons. Now don’t get me wrong. I could barely care less about a lil thing that takes lots of time either picking or making  just to have guests toss them or give’em to their kids to play with till the delicate little things break. No, I was hoping to try and bring a little of my heritage to the table…so to speak. A traditional Spanish Bridal Favor. Now, I’m excited because my mom’s making these for me. My mom’s almost 2200 miles away and doesn’t even own a computer. So unfortunately she hasn’t really been able to be too involved in the wedding planning. As she told me about her and Daddy sittin’ at their dinning room table laughing and making all these little trinkets for me it just made me happy to hear that  my Mom and Dad had a little more joy in their day because they were doing something for me all because I fell in love with a great guy…finally. Yeah, my Mommy loves me.

What is there besides the volcano?

When I was younger I’m not sure I really understood what I wanted. I believe I was more focused on what I knew I didn’t want. Many of us have had childhood’s that weren’t exactly what we wanted. For one reason or another, with circumstances we could not control it might not have been exactly what we’d wished it’d been.

I’m no exception to that. With that being said, I’m not the only one either. I can’t write about everyone else’s experiences though so I’ll take a look at mine.

It took a while to accept that I was never going to have the childhood I’d felt I’d been entitled to. Long before I’d accepted that however, I knew what I didn’t want. I didn’t want more of the same. Whether it was for me or my children I had a pretty clear picture of what I didn’t want. If anything, perhaps I was so focused on what I didn’t want for so long that I never had the time to think about what I did want. You may be wondering “How couldn’t you know what you wanted if you knew what you didn’t want?” Sounds like it’d be easy enough to see the other side of the coin and just choose that, right? I guess that’s what I thought too. I thought I simply wanted the opposite of what I’d had, or not had.  The funny thing is that there’s this whole enormous area in between opposites.

For instance, say I find a genie in a bottle while I’m freezing to death at the top of a snow covered mountain. I know I don’t want to be there. The genie asks me where I’d rather be. Being inside a hot, lava filled volcano would not be the ideal place to wish myself to instead. So I need to find the “happy medium” as some might call it. I would need to think of a good balance between too hot or too cold. Let’s add to this dilemma, that I only know of the existence of the mountain top or the volcano. There are probably thousands and thousands of other choices, how do I decide? I don’t know what they’re like because I’ve never been there before. I’d have to go and explore them. I’d have to go and experience them. Even then, how would I know that once I found what I thought might be the ideal place for temperature comfort that there might not be another place that’s better? See where I’m going here?

I’ve spent a lot of my life trying to take on the adventure of trying different things and places to know what I want. Do I know for sure what I want now? I’m not arrogant enough to think that I do. Do I have a better idea now than when I started this journey? I DO feel confident that to some extent I have a better understanding now than I did 20 years ago. So do I stop looking? For some things, yes, I’ll stop looking. Otherwise I’d never have anything or anyone in my life. For some other things though I’ll be happy to keep looking. Perhaps I won’t do it with quite the same abandon I did when I was 17 years old. Then again on second hand…why not?

Photo by Aaron Wood

Hang on!

So of all the pictures that I’ve seen in the  past months of planning this wedding, of gowns, cakes and flowers these seem to best describe what wedding planning  is REALLY like.

 

Up, down, around and around, feeling sick, feeling elated and all so fast and furious that you barely have time to feel one way before you feel another way and then back again.  Insert rollercoaster screams and feelings of slight nausea here. So what’s the one thing that stays the same the whole ride? You got it, the person you’re riding with. Although the two of you may not feel the same way all the time or even at the same time, you’re together. You know that at the end of the ride you’ll get off the ride together and be together and even though the ride will be over, the memories will be yours together as well.

I’ve got to admit, I’ve never been on a ride quite like this before even though I have been married before. I was younger and honestly the whole wedding thing was never that important to me before. Perhaps it would’ve been more prudent to have at least tried planning something. I might’ve looked at the high point of the coaster ahead of time and looked to the guy next to me and said to myself, “I don’t think I can take this ride with you. I don’t think you can handle it” Who knows.

What I DO know is that the guy I’m on the ride with now is really here. He’s holding my hand tightly and helping me tell myself that the guy operating the ride knows what he’s doing. That other people in the ride with us, or not with us, while they are part of the adventure will be gone at some point after the ride and it’ll just be the two of us again. Just the two of us. How did I ever get so lucky?

Ok, enough mushy, lets get real. I’ll be glad when this ride’s over!