Exhaustion of Success
Simply put, I’m exhausted. In my usual way. My normal drive, working and striving and pushing myself to the peak of a bunch of a little successes. Successes that I’ve been terrified of achieving and sometimes even gotten in my own way of. Be careful what you wish for, is the saying. To hell with wishing for things, I’ve worked my ass of to get to the point I’m at today! I’ve struggled and suffered and painfully worked my way to where I am. It seems sometimes however that there can be sucha thing as too much success. Finding a balance between everything one wants to do and LOVES to do is in itself one of the most challenging parts of living a full filled life. Losing love, finding love, climbing the corporate ladder with what’s felt at times like tons of sandbags on my back. Putting myself in front of panels of people to be judged against other beautiful and talented people only to be dismissed over and over again and sometimes even getting noticed. Doing all of these things in the pursuit of happiness. While constantly redefining what happiness is for me. Throw into all that, the fact that I’m a perfectionist and constantly criticizing myself saying, “You can do better, try harder!” Whew, talk about exhausting. What’s interesting is that having reached a point in my life where I have achieved so many of my personal goals it amazes me to see how I continually push myself harder and harder. Yes, logically I understand that is my issue and that I should be a little easier on myself. I know that…logically. I feel something else though. A need to prove myself perhaps? To who? To me? To the people that are counting on me? To the people who’ve put their trust in me? I don’t know. Maybe I DO know and don’t want to admit it. I suppose these are the questions I’ll need to constantly ask myself and provide my own answers to. For now I know one thing. I’m slightly off kilter. I need to make myself a priority. I need to regain some semblance of balance in my life so that my time with the people I’m so blessed to have in my life right now I can utterly and truly enjoy. I mean why work this hard if I’m not going to completely enjoy the rewards of all my labors, right? Being completely exhausted and overwhelmed all the time does me no good. I mean I might as well stay in bed under the covers and do nothing if that’s going to be the case. I don’t want to miss these moments. I don’t want to miss the fun, music and laughs with my castmates. I don’t want to miss the tender quiet and funny moments of love and support with my husband. I don’t want to miss the little skip of my heartbeat when I help teach salespeople how to be successful. Again, something else to push myself to perfection to. There I go again.
