It Must Be Love
I cannot believe how incredibly full I feel this morning. No, it’s not just from the strawberry waffles I had at Denny’s this morning (and eggs, toast, hashbrowns and coffee) but a weekend full of love. Love of music, love of laughter, love of acceptance, love of everything I love and hold dear. I think that’s what’s so hard to go without even for one day. When I’m around so many people that are so much like me and that accept me as I am and I’m not having to work hard to be someone I’m not. I can be me. Insecure me, silly me, listening me, singing me, touchy feely me and all the other things that make me the perfectly imperfect being that I am. It’s almost effortless. I love that. That’s what fills me up. To just be able to enjoy living and not be worried about how I’m going to do that and who I may or may not impress. Considering I was actually on a stage most of the weekend where people pay money to be impressed that’s saying a lot. That’s fun though. Almost easy in a way. That’s just putting myself out there and if people don’t like it then maybe it’s only because I’m not letting them see enough of how much I’m enjoying myself. If they do like it, it’s because I AM enjoying it and letting them see and hear and feel that. It’s the time before and after I’m on stage that really fills me up though. That balance that I longed for for so long. I was reading some journal entries today from about 12 years ago. The pages screamed of a longing for not feeling alone. All I wanted was a life of balance between joy and hard work. I wanted a balance of love from others and self-love. It’s still not perfect but it’s SO much better. I’ve finally gotten over all that self-loathing. Over the desperate need to be loved so much by someone else that they had to make up for my lack of loving myself. Something no one could ever be capable of giving me. I can sit here alone and enjoy myself. I can look forward to being with the people I love without fearing the goodbyes. That’s because I saw it in others. I overcame the fear of opening up to people I might’ve been intimidated by or simply afraid would hurt me if I showed them too much of my imperfect self. I learned how do find that for myself. I thank them for that. That of course is not to say that I haven’t been hurt during this time. Oh, I’ve hurt, believe you me. That’s simply because I feel though. I feel almost everything very deeply. I’m a passionate being and I don’t regret that for a second. Without that I wouldn’t be who I am and the people I enjoy wouldn’t enjoy me or I them. I only pray my life continues to be surrounded by so much unconditional love that it will continue to fill me up as I continue to love myself. I hope I get to pay that forward to everyone I know and meet in the future. Ah yes, this must be love. I’m just glad the universe opened my mind and heart up enough to it to realize I really needed to work for it and keep on working at it. It doesn’t come easy but GOD it’s SO worth it!
