For instance, this Christmas I’m with my in-laws in Northern California savoring every moment. My in-laws are the most tremendous wedding gift I could’ve received when I married my husband. I’m having the most relaxing Christmas and every moment’s a total blast.  From the Nerf gun battles with my nephews, to the coffee Dad brews in the morning; from stayin’ in my pajamas till 2pm, to driving around with my new Mom and sister and catching a glimpse of a wonderful winter sunset. Even hiding and wrapping last minute Christmas gifts, though slightly harrowing, is a giggly, entertaining joy.

Just a few years ago I was dreading spending Christmases without my daughters. I’d had so many wonderful Christmases with them. We’d shared wonderful mornings with their little faces full of anticipation for what Santa had brought them. Carols, cookies, Christmas lights and concerts. Now, they’d grown and gone and were enjoying Christmases on their own. I knew I had a wonderful new love in my life though.  As I looked forward to Christmas Future with him, it turned into Christmas Present with the whole Wood Clan. They welcomed me like one of their own and it’s been nothing but entertaining cookie and ornament exchanges ever since. New family and new traditions. This year’s been an extra bonus too. Aaron drove the almost 12 hours from Phoenix, Arizona to Loomis, California so that we could spend a week at his sisters new home. Joined by his Mom and Dad and my sister-in-law’s husband’s parents its a houseful of warm food, hearty laughs, and lots of love.

So with Christmases Pasts gone but certainly not forgotten, I revel in the Present and thank God for every precious new moment of love that almost overwhelms my heart. I couldn’t be happier. Happy, sucha simple word but not an easy feeling to find. Yes, I DO know how lucky I am. Excuse me while I go pinch myself.

I’ve never been part of a new show. This show was a workshop just last spring and it’s being worked to try to get to Broadway. The writer, Richard Sullivan, is definitely a Judy Garland fan and lover. He has a vision and a desire to create something grand. The star, Paige O’Hara, is a tremendous actress and singer. She has  a work ethic that is boundless, a talent that astounds and a heart that is so open she makes you feel like you’ve known her for a lifetime.

The show itself is a pure joy and labor of love. To bring something to the stage like this has been a first for me. I’ve never had the opportunity to do something like this. A chance to be a part of part of helping a piece of art through its adolescence. The kick is that I get as much out of giving myself to it as it does giving itself to me. I continue to grow relationships, some of which began at callbacks. Some of those relationships didn’t begin until further into the rehearsal process. Regardless of how they began they are now friendships. Friendships are simple and complicated at the same time in theater. As one cast member said to me tonight, “In theater a week is 10 years” or something along those lines. It’s so true. We have so much in common we can get to know each other quickly. So much in so little time. It’s almost indescribable. I’m trying very hard simply to enjoy the moment. However, there are moments that I think about the end, leaving this behind. I dread the end. I’m sure whatever is next in my career will be wonderful at the same time I will miss this. The friends, the music, the time spent doing something so shiny and new. I only hope this will live in other’s memories as much as it will in mine.

If you’re lucky you get a “Callback” audition. They call you in for a 2nd audition. Kind of like when you get a 2nd interview for a job. Different theaters and companies can do them a little differently. Sometimes only a dance audition, where you’re taught a dance combination with a group of other auditioners. Then you reproduce it for the choreographer, director, etc in small groups. Sometimes you learn a bit of a song, again in a group, from the specific musical you’re auditioning for. Then you sing it alone or in small groups. Usually a callback audition will be a longer period of time than a first audition though.  Anywhere from 30 minutes to a few hours. One thing’s constant though. You’re in a room with a bunch of other people who want a part too. The longer you’re with them the more time you have to kill. Some like to sink into their world of smart phones and the world-wide web, but  I like to get to know people. Ok, let’s get real, MOST theater people like to get to know people.

This particular callback offered me not only the opportunity to get to know some new people but the opportunity to reconnect with a few theater friends I hadn’t seen in a while. For a few hours I didn’t worry about my day job, my bills or hardly anything  in my life. I was having the best time talking about anything else that we all have in common. Stories about shows some of us had been in together. Figuring out people we knew or friends we have in common. Our love of music and theater. Our hopes and dreams. The things in life that make us laugh. It never ceases to amaze me how easily theater people find it to connect with each other. How quickly we trust each other and start telling each other about our little life adventures. We give each other joy in a way no other people can. Kinda like an instant family whether we’ve met before or not. So if we only have each other and our stories to share for those few hours,  it’s all good.

By the time I walked into the audition room to read for director, the writer and the leading lady, Paige O’Hara (some of you may know her as the voice of Disney’s Belle from Beauty and the Beast), I was relaxed and having fun. I didn’t care anymore if I got a part or not. No, really, I didn’t. Ms. O’Hara was so sweet and encouraging. They all were . I just thought to myself about how I’d had so much fun the last few hours. Now I had a new story for the next time I’d be sitting around with theater friends. A story about the time I auditioned in front of Paige O’Hara and how she uttered, “Good Girl!” after I read from the script. I got to enjoy fun people and play act for a few minutes. I went home blissfully happy. I was just happy to have that one night as a part of my life forever. No one can ever take that away from me.

So, I walk into Coco’s and it’s a little after 5pm and quiet. Normal I suppose for that time of day. It was a nice quiet though. That kinda quiet you don’t realize you actually want sometimes until you after you have it. The place seemed almost like a comfy, cozy living room you could spend some time in just kicking back and talking intimately with friends. It immediately reminded me of late nights after rehearsals or performances of a show. The feeling of being exhausted and having pushed yourself almost to the limit, both physically and emotionally, for the last few hours almost non-stop after having put in a full day of work before that. Being tired but still not ready to go home and go to bed. Needing that decompressing time with a few people who you’ve just shared the experience with. I also immediately realized I miss that. Yeah, I miss being exhausted and fighting that and staying up even later than I need to. Even though I know I have to get up early the next morning to start it all again. Even though I know I need to get some rest to avoid possibly getting sick or losing my voice. At the same time the desire to connect and interact and with these people is so overwhelming that it supersedes all common sense. We’d sit there and stuff our faces and refuel our bodies. We’d talk and laugh and complain and complement and refuel our souls. We wouldn’t worry about tomorrow. We’d just enjoy right now.

It’s so hard to do that. Enjoy the now. Embrace the moment we’re living in, the people we’re with right now. There are so many regrets and worries, not to mention distractions. How many times in the last month have you been somewhere with a group of people sharing an activity, whether its eating a meal or just having drinks or even at church to see someone trying to be somewhere else with someone else on their cell phone. Someone told me a story today about when he was about 13 years old and something happened to him that prevented him from doing something he’d been looking forward to. I thought to myself how upset he must’ve been. How disappointed he must’ve been. How mad at the world he must’ve been. Instead he says, “I figured it happened for a reason”. Instead of wallowing in the could have been he was looking at the now and wondering what it had in store for him.

It’s not easy to do but I need to try more often, don’t we all, to open our eyes and see what’s right in front of us. To see the people that God, the universe or whatever you believe, have been put into this part of our lives for this moment of our journey. One person and one moment at a time.

………..

“True joy comes from understanding your suffering and moving beyond it!”

I don’t know who said this but could it be any more profound?

I’d been pondering on the hard times in my life and the happy times. I was thinking how much I’ve learned from them all. Thinking how much I still have to learn from them. Then I saw that quote scroll across my screen when the screen saver went up.

It makes me wonder if I could truly appreciate all the wonderful blessings in my life if I hadn’t gone through all the difficult things I’ve gone through.

What have I learned? Lessee…

I’ve learned that friends are easily made but you must work very hard at keeping them.

I’ve learned that if I really want something for the right reasons, if I work hard at it,  I’ll eventually get it.

I’ve also learned that sometimes no matter how hard your work at something and you do everything you can to achieve/acquire it sometimes its just not part of God’s plan and he’ll keep saying no till you get the point.

I’ve learned that one of the easiest ways to become a strong woman and remain one is to surround yourself with other strong women. Also to actually TAKE their advice once in a while.

I’ve learned that it’s alright to express my opinions no matter how much some people may not like it. At the same time I’ve learned that does not ever come cheap and I need to be prepared to pay the price.

I’ve learned that I can make mistakes and do stupid things and that people that truly love me will understand and forgive me for them. As I should them.

I’ve learned how to cry without being manipulating.

I’ve learned that sometimes I have to try, then fall down and get hurt a few times before I can pick myself up and move forward.

I’ve learned how to love and how I want to be loved.

I’ve learned I’m a lot stronger than I ever dreamed I could be.

I’ve learned that I can find happiness in the smallest things and the most fleeting moments.

I’ve learned that some things have to be felt just as they are; that they cannot be changed; that they have to be felt deeply and fully and sometimes painfully before they can be left behind and looked back on to see the good in them.

I’ve learned that The Phoenix and I have much in common.

For it can live and die in a blaze of glory as can I. From the smallest ember and pile of ashes I can be reborn into an even more unbelievable creation than I could ever envision myself. Without that fire however, I could never grow and never live to the full potential that God created me for.

I’ve raised teenagers. I’ve watched TV with them. I’ve watched teenage shows without them. I always looked at it from the prespective that no matter what, I’m their mom. Whatever they see, if I see it too, I can talk to them about what they’ve seen. I might be able to show them another side of the issue and or re-inforce a positive one. Teenagers are teenagers. Believe it or not, I remember being one. I remember being tugged in many directions. Some closer, some further away from what I believed. Some made me more open minded, some just made my convictions stronger and made me want to take a stand for the injustices around me. Most decisions I would’ve probably made the same. Maybe a few differently. The point being, teens make the decisions they make, in most instances, regardless of what we tell them to do or not to do. They’ll do what they want to do sometimes to spite us, sometimes to prove they can, sometimes to learn by their mistakes. No, TV, is never going to be the end all be all of influence on them. Sure, it may contribute to some of the decision making, so will other influences. Surprise, you can’t shelter them from these issues all their lives. Sooner or later they’ll learn about those things one way or another. Why not share it with them and have those discussions together? Hell, sometimes we might even learn a thing or two from them. God forbid.

Let’s see, my mad fever for all things photography has cooled down considerably. While I enjoy the art form I don’t know that I necessarily have the drive right now to start and run my own business.  I may just limit myself to special projects for a few special clients for now hopefully it’s something I’ll get back into.

I started playing in a community band with my husband this semester and it’s turning into quite a learning experience as well as an important creative outlet. To have something I’m involved in with other people who are like me and where there is an expectation of me, seems to be a driving force in my chemical makeup. To say that I’m being challenged is an understatement. It’s been over 20 years since I’ve played a flute in a band and let me tell you, I’ve figured out really quickly that I must have been faking it a lot in High School just to be at the Friday night football games. Ok, well maybe not JUST for the football. Guess what? I love and NEED music. I’ve had to spend a lot of time learning somethings I guess I really never knew, or obviously forgot. I’ve had to really put a lot of effort into making the time to practice. Ok, so my husband’s bribing me a little too. It’s a completely different discipline when you don’t have class every day but only once a week. Not too mention it’s not like I can just put in a CD in the car and sing along. I find that once I start practicing that I really enjoy it though and I like to challenge myself.

The first night of class was so moving for me and really rejuvenated my soul. To hear all that music around me and to know I’m part of making it was like …oh man, how do I describe it? It lifts me up. It really does! I helped prod a friend of mine to join and luckily she’s sitting next to me in the flute section. Even though we kept lookin’ at each other with that, “oh dear lord he doesn’t really expect us to sight read this DOES he??” look on our faces it was SO much fun. The next morning even though I was exhausted and my arm was so sore from holding that flute in that ridiculously almost contorted way we do, I felt satisfied. Full. Like my tank had been running so close to empty and now I had a full tank again. It’s like that every week.

Dear Music,

You complete me.

For those of you who already understand why this saddens me and even frightens me a bit, thank you. Thank you for your understanding and compassion. However, in writing this specific entry in my blog I’m hoping to try to help those that don’t quite understand my anger and frustration. This is to those who are willing to listen and want to try to understand. Those of you who just want to argue why I shouldn’t feel the way I do. Please save your breath. You can’t tell me how to feel. Only I can do that.

Yes, I understand this was already federal law or very similar to it. Yes, I understand there are millions of immigrants here illegally from Mexico. I understand everyone’s looking for a solution to the problem. I simply don’t think this particular law is the answer. I don’t know what is. That is why I’ll continue to learn about candidates and vote for those who I believe are up to that task.

Let me talk for a moment about how this all makes me feel.

Let’s go back about 35 years. Somewhere around 1974. To pretty much anytime I can remember being at the supermarket or anywhere else in public. To when my mother would remind to not speak any Spanish while we were out. I couldn’t comprehend why I couldn’t speak in a way that was comfortable, both for me and my mother. She mentioned something about what people would think. I remember even at an early age thinking, “Why should we care? Are they jealous they don’t know a second language like we do? Do we look like we’re showing off? Will we get in trouble?” I just didn’t understand. So we were different, so what? We were different from some but like many others. Like a church full of friends who sang and prayed in Spanish on the weekend, yet worked and learned in English during the week. So as I grew up I grew resistant and instead chose to be different when I could. When it was being true to myself, I would do what felt right.

Now, today, I feel like that might be a dangerous thing. Or at the very least, it may be an inconvenience.

I’m simply saying that from my point of view the uncertainty of how this is all going to play out can be quite frightening. Like when I looked at myself in the mirror this morning and saw my hair looked a lil more “Mexican” than usual. For a split second I thought, “I hope nobody thinks I’m Mexican”. I don’t like feeling like that. I’d rather feel PROUD that I look different. I don’t like all the attention. I don’t like wondering if people are looking at me wondering if I have a right to be here or not. I feel like I have to prove to everyone, not just the government, that I have a right to be here. That I’m okay. That I’m not going to rob or murder someone. That my speaking loudly or even yelling doesn’t mean I’m going to knife you. I don’t want to worry that I’m bringing unnecessary attention to myself if I speak in Spanish to the girl ringing up my groceries at the supermarket. It’s frightening and honestly it pisses me off. I shouldn’t have to feel this way. I can’t hide the way I look. Well, maybe I could get plastic surgery and dye my hair. I don’t want to. I could change the way I behave, but I don’t want to.  I could move, but I don’t want to. Even more importantly, I shouldn’t have to do any of those things.

I’m not the first person to feel like this. 

A friend of mine said to me today, “My Dad was saying that this was similar to the emotions Freed Slaves had when they would have to show their emancipation document saying they were no longer owned.” We’re talking 1865 people!  One hundred and forty-five years ago! Yes, really. What’s wrong with this picture?

Oh, and just in case you’re wondering, yes, I’m legal.

Stay tuned for more.